World Leader Deep End:
More Pay, Better Security 
to Be Found in Being
a Dictator, Writer Finds

Dear opinion page editors of America,

     Due to the decline of positions currently being made to the editorial opinion page boards of your newspapers, I have decided to decline all lack of appeals for me to run for president of these United States. Quite frankly, I'm overqualified. Instead, due to the fact the position seems to offer more security, I am going to apply for the position of dictator.

     While I would like to be the dictator of your opinion page board(s), quite frankly (and there's nothing really wrong with being French), the pay back is better if I chose a nation, large or small, abroad. Indeed, I will be outsourcing my dictator skills.

     With so many larger nations supporting such positions, but many of them currently due for a change, it appears to be an area of significant growth. Opportunities will no doubt abound. Even if all hell breaks loose, such as the case in Egypt, dictators are needed. Whole cities can rage. Castles will burn. But, as is clearly apparent, you can't rebuild a burning house until the flames have been doused. So, even when bad stuff happens due to all of the bad citizens surrounding them, dictators are still needed, just to keep the lights on.

     I could refer to many of my skills mentioned in my refusal to run for president of the United States, due to my complete lack of experience and political standing in society, a situation leading to complete disfavor among my complete lack of voters who will vote for me, as sufficient proof that I am, in fact, the only man willing to do this dirty job. Let's face it. People can't handle the truth. No elections are needed. I'll just take over and stay, for many many years if need be, to direct events, or at least try to, as I see fit.

     Of course, I do have some background in dictating. Most people who know me would say, for example, that I am a complete bastard. Especially my X-wives. And they all have plenty of shoes, so they are quite perfectly capable of filling in should I ever suddenly die or seek asylum in France (nothing wrong with being this frank, is there?).

     Also, I'm really good at playing the Milton-Bradley board game, Risk. All versions, although I prefer the original. Which makes me a conservative. A downright fundamentalist ... when it comes to Risk. For example, I shall always believe, as the kings and popes have long believed, that as cheaply as it pays, in terms of developing its own armies, that Egypt is the place to own: The Middle East? Not so much. Seems to be some kind of highway for trouble. Much better to hang on to Egypt. Goes back to the Crusades, I think.

     Although I'm quite willing to outsource my dictating skills to just about anywhere, it appears there will soon be an opening for a dictator in Egypt. However, I will accept a position in Libya, should that country soon fall to the winds of democratic change. Not sure about North Korea, if only because I don't speak much Chinese.

      If you decide that my language skills, since I really speak only a little English, with sprinklings of Spanish, French, Italian, Gaelic, Yiddish, German, Apache and Hopi and in Tongues, often at the same time, limit my ability to jump in to a new position with my boot stamp hitting the ground hard on the first day, punishing those who, quite frankly (nothing wrong with being French, really, really, believe me, since I may need to go to France eventually for vacations in exile, waiting for my eventual return ... once all of the appropriate bribes are paid), I will consider running for governor or senator or congressman in states, large or small, which do not limit their terms.

     (Digital Signature Goes Here)
     Douglas McDaniel

      P.S. I tried to come up with a funny line regarding Jacques DeMolay, the last grandmaster of the Knights Templar, being burned at the stake in 1309, in that paragraph regarding the reasons why the problem with Risk has something to do with the Crusades, but I just didn't think enough people would get the joke.

     P.P.S. Artwork by Pink Floyd's artist for anything to do with "The Wall."

     CC: Come, See Jerusalem

1 comment:

Will said...

I take it you'd be a malignant dictator rather than a benign one. They seem to have a lot more fun, so I wouldn't be surprised if you took the dark path. Good luck to you, I say. Here in England, we haven't had a dictator since Oliver Cromwell, and he made quite an impact. A hard act to follow, but if you're interested, I understand our monarchy's looking a tad ropey and nobody seems particularly keen on the idea of a republic (the French have one, you see, and look how they've turned out). A dictator's just what we need right now, somebody we don't have to pretend to like but who has us by the collective scrotum. Unfortunately, our economy is in a bit of a mess at the moment, but if you don't mind being paid in luncheon vouchers until things pick up, please come on over!