The Queens of Suckdom: (Above) Ashley Greene,
Kristen Stewart and Maggie Grace of the "Twilight" TV series.
with a Vampire
The Interviewer: And so, Mr. Douglas McDaniel, aka "Mythville," aka "Radio Free Arizona," as in secret agent RFA, artist formerly known as deejay Dougie Fresh, Mr. Run DMC, just why is it, exactly, that you think vampire culture in America sucks so bad.
Vampire Interviewer: Well, I've run across all sorts of folks in life, but I have never actually met a vampire. Therefore, I'm wondering why there seem to be so many of them portrayed in the media. It's as ubiquitous as fears of flag burners used to be in the Reagan era.
The Interviewer: Holy Ronald Reagan! That goes way back. But such television shows as "Twilight" are innocuous, aren't they?
Vampire Interviewer: No such thing. I just get a little sarcastic at the video store now when there are 50 of these DVDs on the shelves and one copy of Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine" or, say, "Food, Inc." They are so much profound, but seem to be real-life depictions of real-life vampires. That is a word I have been using very commonly ever since the Depression hit during the era of Bush II. Lately, I've been trying to use it less, but I still see we have become a little obsessed with something that appears to be a mere archetype of something far more serious within.
The Interviewer: Like what?
Vampire Interviewer: Well, it may just be some kind of expression of sexual overindulgence. Perhaps a video graphic for the teen underclass of unrequited love. Perhaps in their overabundant need and pressure to express themselves as sexual predators, they are simply being fed by what they want by a bunch of cynical Master of the Universe types in media who have read all of their TMT reports.
The Interviewer: What is TMT?
Vampire Interviewer: Hell if I really know .. actually, it's something from an old Al Franken book I bought at the Salvation Army store ... but then, who knows anything anymore? Such as, what, exactly is "cloud computing"? Just another one of these sinister things outside the reach of the unwashed, all those watching the shadows on the wall, while the Masters of the Universe, the money boys are pulling the strings.
The Interviewer: What does this have to do with vampires?
Vampire Interviewer: I dunno, man. It's your interview. Shoot.
The Interviewer: Shoot! You heard gunfire?
Vampire Interviewer: Another one of those words I wished we used less, "shoot," "shot," "shooter" ... I hate guns ...
The Interviewer: But don't you believe in your constitutional right to bear arms?
Vampire Interviewer: Bear arms? In summer, sure ... but AK47s at the restaurant? Say, Isn't an Ak47 a Soviet-made weapon, anyway? Who, as a red-blooded American would argue to have those around the house, anyway?
The Interviewer: Auuugggggghhhhhhhhggghgggh!
Vampire Interviewer: Exactly. My words, exactly. Not exactly my words, really, but an emotion. Not so much an emotion, or should we say, emoticon, but most certainly a guideline.
The Interviewer: Are there any vampires you might endorse, such as those depicted in Anne Rice novels?
Vampire Interviewer: Well, she sure has done her research, and I like the way she writes, but boy, she sure does have to write a lot to make a living. Which leads me to think that the real vampires in our society are the instiutions of the arts, who, shall we say, drive their carts over the bones of the dead. How much suffering does it take, after all, to create such and such a work of art, only to have some publisher or book distributor come around and take a percentage? Why can't artists just get more for their trouble, rather than having these vampires who happen to own, say, bookshelves in retail spaces, get forty to fifty percent?
The Interviewer: Don't you think they work for a living? They go to a lot of work to keep the lights on.
Vampire Interviewer: I know, but ... At least the metaphor on oil companies is pretty obvious. I'm thankful I don't have to explain that to anyone today.
The Interviewer: Finally, one last question.
Vampire Interviewer: Okay, shoot.
The Interviewer: Aughhguaghhggghhghgghuuagghhgggghgh!
Vampire Interviewer: That's not a question. That's a statement of fact, an emoticon actually, addressing a deeper anxiety and social sick ... ness .. O no, a vampire bat! Shit!
To be discontinued ... Read less here